Escrito por Mama D.
Place: Rapidos Grande, Michigan
Time: Saturday night
Scene: The driveway of Tim’s house where Tim sits alone in the car, the box of props from El Jefe’s office next to him on the passenger seat. We can see the silhouette of Tim’s wife, Tinta, cleaning the kitchen. As we follow Tim’s wandering eyes in the the twilight of the evening it is clear that while Tim has been gone Tinta has painted the house, chopped two cords of wood, installed a satellite dish, mowed the lawn and planted her beloved Tulips. Across the street, an unmarked van sits with two videographers filming away. Tim meanwhile gets back to rehearsing his “coming out” speech. He was very much regretting not telling his beloved Tinta sooner…
“…and so Tinta, mi amor, every time I said I was going out to buy a Grand Rapids Press on Saturday mornings I was actually catching a private plane for Florida. So while it looked like I was just trying to get out of trimming the hedges, I actually was working at my other job…”
Tinta moved toward the front window and looked to the sky. Even through poor lighting and glass her Northern European radiance shown through. Comfortable in her wooden shoes, she munched on her sixth apple of the day. Sunday, the Lutheran Sabbath, would come early so she closed the blinds, shut off the lights and moved toward the bedroom.
Tim knew it was now or never. He left the car and pulled out his keys to unlock the front door. The camera men were immediately right behind him. As he fumbled getting the keys in the lock, Tinta opened the door.
“Tim, there you are” she said lovingly. “Did you ever find a copy of the Saturday Press?”
“Er…no. Tinta, we need to talk. I have things to tell you and I hope you will still love me after I tell you them.”
“Tim, I married you for better or for worse. I am assuming that whatever you have to tell me will only make things better.”
They enter the house with the camera crew in tow. They sit on the couch and Tim begins to blather his whole story. The camera crew diligently stays with the scene but as Tim starts to go into great detail of what makes a great telenovela, they eventually start filming all the awards that Tinta has won over the years; first as an All-American field hockey player, then as an academic standout at a prestigious “presidential” university, then as a public servant as multi-time teacher of the year. All this was interspersed with awards from the Michigan State Fair for her tulips and strufwafel cookies. A single gold record from Tinta’s album from her singing and songwriting career completed the set.
Mercifully, Tim got around to the events of early today and the camera team rejoined the story just as Tim pulled the picture from his pocket.(Show prop picture again)
“ …and here is the picture I found in the box. The man in the cowboy hat is my boss, El Jefe. The other guy I am assuming is that trouble maker Pepino Suave himself. This explains everything. The only thing that is nagging at me is one time when I asked El Jefe’s secretary to describe this Pepino Suave guy, she described him as a ‘hideously ugly duende, or troll like character.’ Frankly, I think the dude in this picture is a pretty handsome guy.”
Tinta looked that the picture, then at Tim. She then said in her best diplomatic voice “Thank you for translating “duende” for me, I just don’t know what I would do without your translating skills (knowing full well that she spoke Spanish significantly better than Tim did). I think this Pepino Suave guy is kind of cute in his own creepy little way” as she pulled Tim’s trucker cap off his head and gave the seven or eight strands of hair a playful tussle. “Why don’t we get a good night rest and tackle this bright and early in the morning?” Tim hustled to the fridge cracked an Amstel light beer and went off to bed while Tinta did her nightly ritual of 100 push ups and 100 sit ups.
Scene II: Sunday morning. We see Tim alone in bed, snoring like a badly calibrated chainsaw. We see Tinta coming in from Lutheran sunrise service and taking her Dutch Apple pies out of the oven and placing them in the window sill to cool.
As Tinta lay awake all night formulating a plan it was clear to her that two things needed to be done. First, make amends with Will Ferrell and second, force a confrontation with Pepino Suave to bring this telenovela/TV realidad ordeal to a close. She had only Sunday in which to get this done. As reigning teacher of the year she had no intention of being even one minute tardy for opening bell on Monday. She offered the camera men a slice of pie and some hand pressed Dutch coffee. The cameramen were much obliged.
After finally rousing slumbering Tim, she got him in the car and they off to the Grand Rapids International airport. They boarded a private plane which Tim assumed to be owned by his production company (DUMP). Upon entering the plane he found he was completely mistaken.
Two Senior US Air Force officers stood at attention and snapped a salute that Tinta returned. “At your service Senorita Tinta” one of them said. Tinta responded with a sigh, “It’s Senora Tinta now. Thank you for coming on such short notice. We need to fly to Burbank, California. Once there I will need a limo and a driver to take us to the following address” as she handed over a computer generated dossier to the other officer. He took it and nodded his head. Tinta continued, “Please treat these videographers as our guests.”
Within seconds of strapping in, the plane ascended as quickly as any plane Tim and the cameramen had ever been on. This was old hat for Tinta, in fact the pokiness of this plane reminded her of boat ride to Tunisia with her college buddies while studying, and moonlighting for the CIA, in Italy. “All those romances for the sake of her country,” she reminisced.
Scene III: The limo arrives at the house of one Will Ferrell. In the limo are Tinta, Tim, the two cameramen, and a distinguished looking gentlemen who had joined them at the airport and the box of props from El Jefe’s office. The gentleman held a notary stamp in one hand and a plaque in the other. Tinta rings the intercom on the iron gate as Tim looks on.
Tinta: “Mr. Ferrell please.”
Intercom: “Mr. Ferrell is not in, I will take a message if you like.”
Tinta looked at her watch. She really wanted to get this finished because she thought there might be half a chance to decorate her garden windmills (which were not only a mini-tourist attraction but generated power for her entire house) if she could get home soon enough. She had not anticipated that Will Ferrell would not be home.
Just then a tall man with curly hair wearing a Kenny Powers sweatshirt and shorts that, well, were frankly way, way too short jogged to the gate. The man was accompanied by two young ladies that would have been right at home on South Beach and were dressed like it. The man was Mr. Ferrell in the flesh. Tinta let her eyes take a quick trip over “Tierra Ferrell.” She felt like a school girl.
Mr. Ferrell jogged in place, “Can I help you?”
Tim stepped up and said, “Mr. Ferrell, I am the Executive Producer of Amor Asqueros…”
The words didn’t leave Tim’s mouth before Ferrell unleashed a wicked right hand cross that caught Tim flush on the cheekbone. Tim, who as a TV executive was living in a second dimension, was currently now living in a third dimension, and living peacefully.
Tinta immediately was half filled with rage, half filled with desire and half filled with concern that she would not be back in time to catch up with her daughter after her weekend near the epicenter of Apple growing, Fleetwood, Pennsylvania (State of Washington be damned) with the Future Apple Growers of America.
Tinta stepped over Tim and said, “Will, I have a proposition for you.”
Will arched his eye brow. “You do?”
“Not that type…unfortunately,” Tinta sighed as she looked at her sleeping Tim sprawled out on the asphalt.
In hushed terms, Tinta laid out the proposition to Mr. Ferrell. Ferrell listened, asked a couple of questions, shrugged and gave her the affirmative shake of the head. Out of the limo came the gentlemen with his notary stamp and plaque. Tinta retrieved some legal documents and they were placed on the hood of the car. Ferrell signed away and pulled his identification out of his shorts. The older gentleman then proceeded to notarize all the documents. Once the task was completed, Tinta put the documents in a brief case and into the car.
After putting away his notary stamp, the older gentlemen straightened his tie and presented the plaque to Ferrell. Clutching a proclamation, the older gentleman read out loud: “I, George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st President of the United States do hereby proclaim you the one thousand and FIRST recipient of the Thousand Points of Light award program. Why you are receiving this award and why am I going over my quota is not important. What is important is that my trusted aid and confidante, Tinta my favorite intern, has asked that I give it to you.”
Ferrell and Bush Forty-one posed for a quick picture by one of the camera men and for another one taken by Ferrell’s gate security camera. Ferrell and Bush Forty-one shook hands and gave each other a “bro-hug.”
As Bush 41 stepped back, Ferrell and Tinta stood looking in each other’s eyes. “You know my lawsuit was ironclad” said Ferrell. “But between your sweet mouth and your unfortunate husband being forced to catch the matinee version of the ‘Ferrell gun show’, I figured dropping the suit was the least I could do.”
Tinta reached into her bra she pulled a DVD copy of “Casa mi Padre” and Ferrell shook his head with a smile and pulled out a sharpie out of his running shorts. He signed the DVD cover, “To Inky, ‘Mi Amor Asqueroso’ Will XOXO”
With that the limo driver opened the trunk and Will, Tinta and Bush 41 picked Tim up and threw him in the back. Before closing the trunk Tinta reached into the prop box and presented the jogging girls with the small cup bra and the dog collar and told them “share.” She then gave the unread copy of “Applebee’s America” to a perplexed President Bush. Finally to Will Ferrell she handed the big busted garden gnome. “A memento of my visit,” she said, accompanied with a soft kiss on Ferrell’s cheek.
Videographers, ex-Presidents and Tinta hopped back in the limo. As the limo speeds away, we can see Ferrell mimicking something with the garden gnome that is sexually inappropriate for network television viewing (but OK for cable viewers after a certain time in the evening) as the jogging girls look on laughing.
Tinta turns around and faced forward. She pulls an apple from her bag and starts to eat it. “OK, Pepino Suave, you’re next!” she says to no one in particular. She throws “Casa Mi Padre” into the the limo’s DVD player and they all start to watch.
Scene closes with the muffled sound of a snoring miscalibrated chain saw coming from the trunk.
(See back end of limo departing down the road)