Season Finale

La Espalda Peluda
Escrito por Sr. Suave



Pepino Suave sits on a Durango park bench, his back to the adobe-walled Church of the Most Padrisimo. He shares the bench with Christina “La Espalda Peluda” Angelerez, an adopted member of the local Mennonite tribe, taken in years ago because her boyish frame and bristly back were considered a sign of good fortune. She fled the tribe days ago, as she found the Mennonites, “too sarcastic”. Having squatted on the park bench for days, Mr. Suave finally hired her as trainer and groomer of Pepino’s loyal ass, Newt. It was more an effort to re-claim his favorite park bench from the stinking, pitiful, wench, than an act of altruism
Newt lies in front of the park bench, grazing lazily in the grass and serving as an ottoman for Mr. Suave’s gangly, outstreched legs.
La Espalda Peluda slouches next to our protagonist, sipping on a bottle, soaking in tequila and regret. She waves off clouds of flies, and quietly simmers over her lost promise as the hairy-backed,  boyish, token of prosperity for the “Yokels”, the inbred Mennonite clan of the Durango high desert. She smells of urine, fermented agave nectar, with hints of  Love’s Baby Soft, and plums.
Lost in her loss, she is deaf to Mr. Suave’s chatty monologue:

I am Pepino Suave. Some years ago, after my mariachi career was scuttled by the greedy promoter “Papa D”, I took my donkey Newt and his burden of a half ton of uncorrected spelling quizzes and standardized tests (I moonlighted as substitute elementary school teacher at a Durango public school), and set out to seek vengeance on my rivals: the bastard Papa D, scheming headmaster of a corrupt Chilean orphanage, and the idiotic Will Ferrel, a Gringo actor and thief. Yes, Papa D. stole my good name, and Ferrel my movie concept. Alas, my efforts to redeem my good name were in vain, as fate took care of that for me.


Sr. Suave pulls a newspaper off of his bench mate (E. Peluda used the periodical as a bedspread throughout the previous night. “Rent’s cheap” she reasoned in a 7-Marlboro-packs-a-day-voice. Stevie Nicks-esque). He shows the  front page  to the camera,. The headline screams:

“Papa D Indicted”

 The lead explains Papa D’s claim that he’d never imagined an orphanage run by Catholic priests and financed by teamsters could be corrupt. “Oh me, oh my”, he is quoted as saying.


Mr. Suave continues:


Yes, this Papa D., he steals the identity of an innocent man, Tim Fournier, to try to ruin me. Who could believe that I have another life, a life as common and dull as this Mr. Fournier? And this wife of his, is it she that wears the pants?  Give me one day with that fellow, and I’ll make a macho out of him. A few hours with a tequila bottle, a couple of girls, and a cock fight, and we’d put some hair on his back, no? (he nudges the miserable mennonite, she responds with a fragrant burp).
I digress. This Papa D cabron, is only half of  it.  I was also  searching for el idiota Ferrell.  I nearly wore out Newt on the hot streets of L.A. looking for the goofball. Again, luck beat me to it.

Mr. Suave pulls another newspaper off of the unshaven park troll and shows it to the camera. This headline shouts: 

“Will Ferrel Indicted”

The lead explains Mr. Ferrel’s claim that he never imagined that a guy from Boise could dupe him into investing in a corrupt orphanage run by Catholic priests and financed by teamsters. “I must have been stoned out of my mind!”  said the actor.

The camera pans back from the headline to  a full view of the entire  park and church facade. Among the people under the steeple appear the forms of Small Breasted Raquelita, the Big Busted Former Linoleum Queen/Secretary, Raul the Handsomest Cowboy, A Few Lonely Cowboys, Madonna, President Obama,  a Dozen Reporters, Fournier, 17 Secret Service Agents, an Average Breasted Woman,  Los Tres Primos: Tiger, Nicky, and  Talea,  Luna the Dumbest Dog of the Desert, El Pelo, an Old Man and his Wife (flanked by sturdy aluminum lawn chairs), a Cranky Judge, a Sleepy Jury, a Medium Breasted Government Prosecutor with Big Hair,  A Lawn Gnome, President George H.W. Bush, Two Senior US Air Force Officials and a Limo Driver, Mr. Ferrell and Two Young Chicks,  Tinta and Tim, Papa D and Mama D (dripping with bling and  followed by a line of 1, 472 Chilean orphans).
Ferrell turns on the boom box perched atop his shoulder, and kicks up the volume. 
The crowd breaks out into a flash mob of dancing to “La Macarena”:
(must be played while reading last paragraph. Double click and minimize)
Pepino Suave joins the merry fray, lifting La Espalda Peluda over the mob, where she crowd-serfs from one end of the plaza to another, smothered in her own vomit and shame. As the forlorn wench is passed back to Pepino’s side of the park,  her slimy cloak causes him to lose his grip and she falls to the pavement head-first. A loud “crack” of her spinal cord rings through the plaza,  followed by a matching loud”crack” of The Linoleum Queen’s strong right hand slapped ferociously against Mr. Suave’s  bestubbled left cheek.  Suave stares, stunned, into the camera for a few silent moments. 
Ferrell cuts the music, and all surround the hairy little creature. Pepino Suave cries:

She’s dead!
The plaza falls silent for a five-apple count. The crowd then shrugs in unison, Ferrell hits the power button, and dancing resumes. 

Credits roll while camera pans the plaza and the entire third chorus of La Macarena is played.
Cut to black




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