Escrito por Anna “La Hija” Rumpz
Camera zooms out, revealing the Thug Will Ferrell in a dark cell surrounded by garden gnomes. He shows particular interest in a big-breasted she-gnome wearing a fake rhinestone tiara and lots of mascara.
Will Ferrell the Thug: Oh, my decorative brethren! If only you had been able to explain the purpose of my mission to that tired, cranky judge after I freed you from those unsightly flowers.
Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish): He would not have understood, mi querida.
Will Ferrell the Thug: You are right, mi amor. But you do. You understand. Promise me that you will never reveal my whereabouts again.
Big-breasted Gnome (translated from Gnomish): Of course not, nino, why would I?
Will Ferrell the Thug gives a relieved sigh.
Fade to a barren desert in Durango. The gringo Mariachi rides in a red convertible. He is not alone. Zoom in.
Gringo Mariachi (reading a map–an incredibly dangerous thing to do when you are driving about 40 mph above the speed limit): All right, Flower. Which prison is it?
Roped, Big-breasted figure (voice full of malice): It’s the only one you will see out here, estupido: gray, tall and with barbed wire fences.
The convertible soon putters to a stop in front of a tall, gray building with a barbed wire fence. Gringo Mariachi enters with the roped-up Linoleum Queen.
Gringo Mariachi: I am here to visit Will Ferrell, my . . . (short pause) step-brother. Yeah, step-brother. This is his sister-in-law.
Weary-looking guard (checks clipboard): I am sorry, it appears that Mr. Ferrell was bailed out two days ago by . . . Mrs. Quinn Meulolee. He left behind several elf-like creatures, although strangely enough he would not leave the prison without the big-breasted one. Would you like to take the ones he left behind?
Gringo Mariachi: No thank you, kind sir. (Walks back to car, where a thought strikes him). HEY, Quinn Meulolee . . . that spells Linoleum Queen!!
The Linoleum Queen starts to run-hop thru the Durango desert as she is still bound by the ropes. Gringo Mariachi grabs her.
Gringo Mariachi: Tell me the truth now, you got that, amiga?
The Linoleum Queen nods, eyes wide.
Gringo Mariachi (slowly and carefully): Where is Will Ferrell? Do not send me on another wild goose chase.
Linoleum Queen: He is in Nurnberg, Germany filming a movie under the alias “Friedrick Heil.” That’s all I know, I swear to you.
Gringo Mariachi (miserably): N-o-o-o-o! You have got to be kidding me!!! I do not speak German. I have to travel all the way across the planet so that Will Ferrell the Thug’s thievery may be avenged? All because you bailed him out. After I take care of the Thug Will Ferrell, I’ll be back to deal with you.
Zoom out skyward as Gringo Mariachi despairs piteously.