“El Juez Cansado y Malhumorado”
Escrito por Pixie “La Licensiada” Rumpz
As many–including Fournay, the gringo, and the trio of kids–search the world for the bastard Will Ferrell, a conversation is taking place at the Our Really Divine Lady of the Pure and Holy Souls Church in Los Angeles:
The big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (anguished): I MUST know, Padre. Where oh where is my baby? Please, please have mercy. Please tell me where he is.
The Padre (calmly, serenely): It is too late. The boy is in a good home. In fact, I understand that the boy has met the President; been held by the President! And, remember why you first came to me. Remember why you asked for my help.
The scene goes fuzzy–a flashback to not that long ago:
A Courtroom. Present are a medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (who badly wants to be bigger breasted and would be if she wasn’t stuck in a mediocre paying mid-level government job), a shady, ethically-challenged defense lawyer, a tired, cranky judge, and the defendant–the bastard Will Ferrell. The medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair is making her summation to an avidly interested jury. They clearly are captivated by her oratory prowess.
Medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (her voice rings thru the courtroom with the righteousness of 1000 angels): The bastard Will Ferrell is but a common thief. He has run roughshod thru this fine city stealing garden gnomes . . .
Suddenly there is an interruption and the bastard Will Ferrell stands up at defense table.
The bastard Will Ferrell (dramatically): I stole nothing. I merely was freeing my elf-like brethren from a life of standing uselessly in gardens, lonely and without purpose. Yes, my brethren were decorative additions to city gardens everywhere but they want to be so much more . . .
The tired and cranky judge (tiredly and crankily): Silence bastard Will Ferrell. Scummy defense counsel, control your client! Medium breasted government lawyer with big hair, please, continue on with your riveting summation. And, by the way, your medium sized breasts are lovely. Just sayin’. But, I digress. Continue.
Medium breasted government prosecutor with big hair (smirking at scummy defense counsel and then batting her eyelashes flirtatiously at the tired and cranky judge): Thank you, Your Very Handsome and Very Strong Honor. The bastard Will Ferrell thinks because he is a big star that he can do anything! Why there is even talk that he once stole a screenplay from a bald gringo mariachi. As is obvious, his urge to steal is all-consuming. It cannot be controlled. I beseech you: Protect your property. Protect your things. You must find him guilty and send him to prison.
Suddenly there is another interruption in the courtroom as a very pregnant former beauty queen stands up in the gallery.
The big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (anguished, her big breasts heaving, her mascara running down her face from crying): Do not send him to prison, I beg of you. I am carrying his baby and I do not possess the skills or the intelligence to be a single parent. I cannot raise this child on my own. I have no money. My baby needs its father–even if his father is a bastard. Have mercy.
The tired and cranky judge (tiredly and crankily): Someone slap that big breasted woman.
A slap rings thru the courtroom as a nearby unidentified bystander slaps the big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet.
The bastard Will Ferrell is found guilty. As he is led out of the courtroom in handcuffs he shouts out to the big-breasted former Linoleum Queen from Lick Skillet (who now is sporting a big red hand print on the side of her face).
The bastard Will Ferrell: If a gringo comes looking for me, do not tell him I am in prison. Send him on a wild goose chase. Tell him I am on location for a film. Tell him anything but never divulge where I am. The gringo must never find me. He must never find me. Te amo, mi amor.
Fade to a dark prison cell; camera is in close-up on the bastard Will Ferrell’s face, seen thru the cold, gray, steel prison bars. It appears he may be muttering to himself.
The bastard Will Ferrell: . . . must not find me . . . must not find me.