Open scene in eastern Europe; four Gringos, one senorita, and a mangy mutt. The men have scraggly beards, except for the pre-pubescent El Tigre, for he is a cowardly child. Ron Fournay, the famous journalist, is showing signs of insanity, writing indecipherable articles about flying bananas, and the second coming of Joseph Stalin. Talea, whom we have taken to calling La Criada, is trying desperately to find WiFi so she may tweet about her insane uncle, and some cucumber she couldn’t figure out. El Tigre is passed out on the floor softly convulsing, apparently having a nightmare. Finally, El Centinela (Nicky) is keeping a silent vigil over all, watching for Will Farrell, whom he and the great Pepino Suave abhorred.
(Mumbling from El Tigre): mmmmrrrrrrroooooohhhhhahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
All of a sudden, three pairs of hazard lights appear in the distance. El Centinela quickly awakens the others, except for El tigre and La Criada, because they would have been no help. Suddenly, all come to a conclusion that they should attempt to help any victims.
So they swiftly jog towards the lights, wary of a trick from Will Ferrell.
They notice symbols on the vehicles, a hammer and sickle crossed over a red star. Fournay quickly identifies this symbol as the symbol of the Red Army.
“But the Red Army was disbanded post cold war, after the Berlin Wall fell! This cannot be!”
A feminine grunt off to the left of Pepino is heard by all. An immediate silence falls among the group. Pepino goes to check it out.
She is concious, but barely so. Pepino sends El Centinela to get La Criada and El Tigre. He quickly returns, but obviously something is wrong. He begins to explain to Fournay, who writes it all down, then repeats it to all. El Centinela returns to the cemetery.
He immediately returns to the scene of the crash. Pepino Suave notices a smile creep across the woman’s face, but he figures she is loopy, due to her current state. They quickly decide to make a makeshift stretcher out of materials like seat covers and the axles of the cars. They carry her back to Durango in the stretcher, careful not to hurt her.
When they arrive at the hospital the woman, or as they had taken to calling her, La Comandante, is rushed to the emergency room, where she is diagnosed with blindness in her left eye. They are not family so they are encouraged to leave. Following their departure from the hospital, they ask around town.
They continue asking about anyone who looks overly suspicious, or who has the symbol from the cars on their clothes. They are told that there has been a group of them who have left about an hour ago, which is just before El Centinela has journeyed back to the cemetery, but there had been two children with them, they seemed to be heading northwest. (cue sharp gasp and forewarning music). The group consults their magic map, who quickly breaks into song.
(pleasantly singing) I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map!
They peer at the map, looking for anything that would be a reason to go northwest, and they see nothing, just a barren landscape; but then Fournay points out the small mountain that was not far from here, it was labeled Mt. Kilamaneverdoom. Here, they think, the men took their useless lackies!