Amor Asqueroso/ Escenario 8

Escenario 8
“Que Brilla la Luna”
Escrito por Talea


Outskirts of Town
Durango, Durango, Mexico
Fade In:   A dusty old saloon.  Focus in on a table next to the “Caballeros”, strewn with crumpled napkins, overturned Root beer bottles, and Chalupa wrappers. A disheveled bird dog, more rodent than canine, back paws on a chair and fore-feet on the table, laps up the remnants of Guapo Raul’s abandoned chalupa. The cur carries on herself colonies of lice, mites, and the dust picked up from miles of Durango high-desert.  Only a few lonely cowboys are sitting in the saloon, completely distracted from their  hard day’s work on the rancho, as they watch the dog lap up the toxic snack.  Four are seated at a table, three are at the bar.  
Luna, the disheveled mutt (stupid dog talk is translated in parenthesis).
Yip, yip (Hmm. a subpar chalupa. Bold, with hints of raspberry, radiator coolant, and borax)

4 Lonely Cowboys at the table (mocking, with giggles and snorts)

Orale! This dog will die like Raquelita! We will have an asado tonight, no? She eats the poisoned chalupa of Guapo Raul!! Orale!



3 Lonely Cowboys at the bar (mocking, with giggles and snorts)
Si. Orale!

Still hungry, the mangy dog enters the men’s room and sniffs a trail of chalupa droppings, leading her to the corpse of Raquelita in the urinal trough, a victim of Guapo Raul’s chalupa. Luna proceeds to pounce on the dead woman’s  stomach in the process of licking the remains of the Chalupa off  of  her face. A gurgling noise comes from Raquelita’s pie-hole, and Luna tilts her head and sits down on her stomach, causing a stream of steaming already-consumed Chalupa to fly out of Raquelita and cover Luna.  Raquelita coughs as only a survivor from a terrible fate could.

Cue screaming violins



Raquelita
Luna! You are the Idiot Dog of the Sahara. Legend has it that only your heroics eclipse your profound stupidity. You have breathed life back into me with your filthy mouth. I thank you.

Luna, over-excited by the attention and the free meal, dashes in mad circles through the men’s room as she urinates at the same time.

Raquelita

Luna, sit! There is no time for your estupidez. We must warn my brother before it is too late!

The revived wench and filthy mutt dash out of the saloon and into the sun-burnt, dusty village square smelling of urine and Chalupas. They see the Tres Primos surrounded by many banditos and one ninja. One cousin is standing all cool-like while  girl cousin looks at her I-phone and a less-muscular young man walks in circles on his toes, as if he has a wedgie.

Raquelita grabs the mutt by the scruff and they dive into a water trough.

Luna
Yip! (What the what?)

Raquelita (eyes widen with recognition of her dear nephews and neice)
Mi familia! 

Luna
Yip Yip (You mean to tell me that these three macho crime-fighting children are related to you?)

Raquelita gives Luna an evil glare. Luna whines and gives her a look that says, “well..”


Raquelita 
This whole dying and coming back to life in a urinal trough has caused me to forget the long rift I have had with mi familia.
Since I was a young campesina, my family has been a curse to my love life.

Luna
Yip yip (Poor you.)

From the soggy safety of the water trough, the forlorn barmaid and the mangy mutt watch the biggest primo struggle with the banditos and a ninja while practicing his improv technique.  

Raquelita
I can’t take it any more!

Luna watches as her one and only partner in crime dashes out to  the fight , running exactly like Buddy the Elf in the movie Elf. She ends side by side with the ninja, doubled over and panting from her sprint from the water trough to the fight twenty feet away. The long lost aunt, however, goes un-noticed  by the three crime-fighters.
The girl taps at her Iphone while elbowing a bandito at the same time. The third primo stumbles onto a plunger-like device that really has no business being on the set of a Mexican Telenovela. 
The camera cuts to slow motion. Young girl drops her phone (slowly).


Talea (slowly)

Nicky, nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Tigre (slowly)
Did you hear about the horse that entered a saloon……

Nicky (slowly)
Holy cannoli!

Nicky slips on a banana peel strategically placed by a production assistant. His feet in the air, he lands square on the plunger, causing an explosion that fills the village square with  dust, smoke, fire, and bits and pieces of banditos, ninjas, and Raquelita. Only  Los Tres Primos are left unscathed. 

Camera cuts to water trough. Only the murky chalupa-tinted water is left. 

Luna

Yip Yip! (What the what!!!)

Talea

Did you here something?

Tigre (sniffing )

I smell Chalupas

Nicky

And-sniff-urine?


Luna chomps down on Nicky’s leg. Camera scans faces:  Talea, face as white as chalk, watches the dog try to dislodge her cousin’s foot from his ankle. Tigre’s face  cannot be seen because he is doubled over with laughter.  Nicky’s face is contorted  with pain

Nicky (FInally shaking the dog from his foot )
What the what was that for?!?


Luna  (shivering with anger )
Yip! Grrr!  (You killed your aunt!)



Talea, who had been scouraging around her purse for the safety-kit, stops dead and drops  the purse.  Tigre, who had been wiping tears of laughter from his face, lets his hands drop to his sides. Nicky, who had been rubbing his injured ankle, drops to his  knees with shock. He gives a high-piched scream that somewhat takes away the dramatics of it all.

Cue screaming violins, then  Amor Asqueroso theme music.


Cue Purina Ugly Dog Chow commericial.
End Scene 8

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