By Garden City’s own Lori Rumpz Fournier
Fade in after a commercial for tacos (“Why don’t we make the bottom of the shells flat?)
Pepino Suave: It is just a rubber chicken for the little one. Every child deserves a rubber chicken–even the bastard of the bastard Will Farrell!
All turn to look at the child. But all they see is an empty rocking cradle. Psycho music plays.
Pepino Suave: The child! The bastard has taken the bastard!
Fournier: Huh? Oh, Farrell has the baby?
Pepino Suave: Try to keep up. Senior President Obama you must lock up the White House…
Fournier: …Lock down the White House. If we can’t catch him before he leaves the building, I know where the bastard has taken the bastard!
Secret Service scrambles up and out of the room yelling orders to secure the premises. Fade out to a commercial for Pace Picante Sauce (“NEW YORK CITY!!???)
Fade in Pepino Suave and Fournier are standing on a very old bridge, complete with towers, cobblestones, crumbling bricks. The fog swirls around them, causing the street lamps to give off a diffused yellow glow.
Pepino Suave: Why did we come to this godforsaken cejilla? Oh, and I’m hungry. I don’t believe anyone has had us eat.
Fournier: Patience. This is what I do. I am the great journalist, Ron Fourney. My sources tell me the bastard Will Farrell is filming a movie here, in the Czech Republic.
(They hear footsteps approaching from the other side of the bridge, they cannot see who is coming but the footsteps sound ominous as they get louder. A figure appears It is a woman, in a trench coat, wearing a fedora. She has average breasts.)
Woman: MÁTE OHEŇ?
Pepino Suave: Oh, great! A third language!
Fournier: It’s been a long time…(he says to her as he leans forward to light her cigarette, the music swells)
Fade out to a commercial, a rousing bar scene of people in a bar wearing Lederhosen drinking Budweiser.