By Uncle “Deadline” Rocky
FADE: Gurgling drooling baby swaddled in bright pink sparkling jeweled blanket bordered with boa feathers … and Red Wings logos. Quick cut to close-up of two white hands, trembling slightly. The left hand holds the baby and the right lifts the blanket to reveal a boy in mini-Elf suit onesie and a head of curly hair with and an uncanny resemblance to Will Ferrell.
Cue: High pitched scream
CAMERA pulls back slowly to reveal a 6-foot, 2-inch black man with huge ears pulling white gloves from his hands as he cradles the elf-like child in his elbows. Cue: Scream intensifies to a nails-on-chalkboard screech, a combination of Beatles-crowd circa 1962 and 1,000 live-butchered hogs. President Barack Obama throws his white gloves to the ground. Camera pans to the presidential seal sewn into the paisley presidential rug; the eagle appears to hold the gloves in its talons. The president winces.
Jesus Christ, Fournay! Would you stop screeching? You sound like a muriendo cerdo.
CAMERA cuts quickly to a wizened and bald reporter wearing a blue JC Penny’s sport coat flaked with dandruff and missing both buttons. There is a coffee stain on his ample belly and the zipper of his” Mom jeans” is open. Protruding from the zipper is the narrow end of his Mona Lisa tie. The reporter, Ron Fournay, is surrounded by a dozen other reporters pointing to his zipper.
“My apologies, Dear Leader.”
OBAMA lifts the swaddled elf-like child above his head with both hands and, looking past Fournier and the other assembled reporters, stares into the camera. FADE to live picture of Obama on a 8000 Series 65’’ Samsung LED TV with a brushed titanium cabinet, swivel stand, full 1080p Resolution, Dynamic Contrast Radio, Clear Motion Rate of 960 and SRS TheaterSound HD 15 Watts X 2 Audio Channels.
Above the TV is a hand-drawn sign – a pizza-stained paper plate, actually – with the words, “Lefty’s” printed neatly with a black Sharpie marker. Several hip, handsome young people drinking cranberry juice and vodka can be seen watching the TV as the president addresses the nation from the Oval Office.
My fellow Americans, behold the greatness that is this child. Do not fear his elf-like features. Do not question his origins. Do know that this swaddled child is the key to our fu …
The president is interrupted by a slamming door and loud rustling in the back of the Oval Office. Camera fades to his angry face.
What the hell?
CAMERA cuts quickly to sunburned mariachi stumbling out of the gaggle of reporters. His is a horrid visage: Half-shaven, fully bald and cross-eyed, the intruder smells worse than the burro he rides into the People’s House. A full-breasted reporter looks at the mariachi perched on the burro, then at the pile of steaming “caca” on the rug. Her breasts heave as her dung-brown eyes repeat the cycle: Mariachi, caca, mariachi, caca … and so on.
“I am Pepino Suave and I come for the elf-like child!”
“What interest do you have in this child?”
This is the love child of my arch enemy, William Ferrell, and his big-breasted secretary.
What right do you have to this child?
I was sent by our Madonna
Oh, boy. Not another Catholic controversy. This is not the kind of change I believe in, Senor Suave. You cannot have this child, not after what Michelle and I went through to bring him into our family.
Then I shall take the child!
The music swells to histrionic heights as the camera cuts to a closeup of Pepino’s right hand, drawn close to the holster on his hip, as his finger flex into a fist. Then relax. Flex. Relax. Flex. Relax and … as he reaches to the holster, the camera pans back to show 17 Secret Service agents aiming their guns at Pepino. Quick cut to three of them – in hyper-close-up – show the pores in their skin and beads of sweat dampening their mustaches.
17 SECRET SERVICE AGENTS
Camera from behind the gun-drawn agents shows Pepino in full pulling out of his holster a large, threatening … RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!
Music crashes to a stop and screens goes dark. Cue: High-pitched scream (or 1,000 hogs).